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Of Pageants & slip-UPS! Yikes!

Growing up amongst boys, my brothers; I was a tomboy of sorts for the most part of my very young adult life! I hung out mostly with them and their friends and pretty much liked what they liked…..the rap music culture, soccer, athletics and sports magazines! They were mighty protective of me and would not let any waltz all over their little sister! Oh, how that made me feel……..atop of the world!

At some point in Middle School, my female buddies in the neighborhood I resided, all practically moved house and I was left bereft of female companies save for the few friends I had in school, who didn’t exactly live in my hood! High School flew quickly by and I found myself in College, a Freshman! Wide, starry-eyed and looking forward to the adventures and misadventures that new terrain promised and offered! And of course, I rolled with the boys! Its true what they say after all….old habits do die hard! I DID see myself as one of the boys, and acted the part oh too well, down to the boot!

Being a tomboy and regardless, I’ve always been a HUGE fan of beauty pageants, totally suckers for ’em! Not as part of the contestants, nuh-uh; but a glorious, very casual bystander, taking in the magnificent sights and harmonious sounds! You know, as part and parcel of that teeming audience, looking on in awe, with such unmasked daze, in absolute, total delight and of course, marveling at the awesomeness of the Almighty’s wondrous works! I mean, just staring at a bevy of ‘easy on the eyes’ ‘hotties’, drop-dead gorgeous beauties all dolled and glammed up, lining and making the stage come alive in their stunning glories…..Be-deviling! Ahem, my bad; scratch that! I meant to say…..Bedazzling!

Added to that is my most favorite segment of the event: The Interview! This is where beauty and brawn’s matched with brains, boldness and bravado! This part’s the most anticipated for me! Any contestant who doesn’t bring on his/her ‘A’ game’s dropped so fast like something that’s piping, steaming and streaming HOT! By all accounts, any who hopes to emerge victorious, must really cash in and thrive above the rest with confidence at an all-time high, poise, grace, eloquence and articulation! And am talking ’bout high human intelligence, impeccably matched with top animal diligence! That’s the only way, otherwise; no dice! They can just kiss having the shot at wearing the coveted crown  goodbye as far as the contest goes!

And so it was on this day, I’d heard a pageant was going down to find and unveil the new Queen of one of the Female Halls of Residence!  Naturally, I was pretty giddy and excited, an excitement which only lasted as long as when the third contestant, put her best foot forward and stepped up to be interviewed! The dialogue that ensued went a little something like this:

Anchor: Hello there Miss Jayne, how do you do?

Miss Jayne: *batting eyelashes and oozing of sheer self confidence* Oh, hiya? I’m fine. Divine actually….. totally. Thank you.

Aside.

At this stage, Miss Jayne had become pretty unpopular in my book, cause most folks know that whenever the question ‘How do you do’?! is posed, the ideal thing to say in response oughta be ‘How do you do’?! Well yeah, its pretty lame I know like duh, but the English says that’s how its gotta be said, and so; who art thou to argue to the contrary and who would hold ’em  to it  and or apprehend ’em for it?! You?! And what army?! Psst!

So, back to the dialogue

Anchor: What’s your discipline, Miss Jayne?!

Miss Jayne: Thank you! My disciplines are ahem…….honesty, loyalty, humility and hardworking

At this point, I  honestly thought Miss Jayne was either pulling a fast one on us all, by way of a joke gone bad! Perhaps, she’s giving us a run around and would probably retrace her steps and make right what we’d all considered a misunderstanding of sorts, but; there she was, flashing her teeth, in her best ever plastic smile! Beaming at an audience gone buckwild, and possibly thinking that she’d brought down the house and knocked everyone’s socks off! Only problem being that, she DID bring down the house as evidenced from the whirlwind of mirthful hysterics that rented the already electrically charged atmosphere! Unbelievably too, she didn’t understand that she’d just slipped up and boy was I dazed, in complete shock with jaws dropping down to the floor! I was more disappointed once I realized she REALLY was serious, like DEAD serious! Ugh!

Once I was able to recover from that, I picked up my jaw from whence it laid on the ground, and told myself I’d had ’bout enough of the contest anyway! It was beautiful while it lasted and I gotta get a move on! I couldn’t linger on cause some pesky guys were already taunting and mocking us females! ‘That does it’, I muttered to myself, I’m outta here! I just had to get away from that whole fiasco! It was so darnright distasteful, in too much of a bad taste I could almost taste it on my buds! Yuck!

Thinking back now, I can’t help but wonder that maybe if I’d just slugged it out and ‘endured’ till the end of that show, I’d have been better prepared for an event I didn’t know was gonna take place in my own life, pretty similar to this one at a much more later date and time! Perhaps, It’d have served as a sorta training ground and learning, to avert a future disaster or not?!  Who knows?!

I graduated from College and it was time for the mandatory National Youth Service Corp, NYSC, where all graduates of higher learning and institutions across the Federation are in fact mandated to serve the Fatherland for a year, in other parts of the country; to learn and internalize the ways and cultures of other tribes! This was put in place to foster some kinda togetherness and unity of sorts by the founding fathers, way back in the days! Failure to adhere might cost one any chance of gaining employment as the certificate given at the end of this period, is also as important as one’s credentials if not more! Every employer of labor demands to see it as a mandatory requirement during the recruitment process!

My posting was to one of the far up northern states! I wasn’t thrilled at this news for the mere reason that I hated traveling, still do! And this trip was gonna be a very long one! I had no choice but to go along anyhow! So, right before settling down eventually in my new home and abode, I made a new friend who I hung out with throughout the duration of my stay in that part! He goes by the name, Femi Toosh! I made his acquaintance while under the scorching sun, corps members were all queued up, trying to obtain kits, garbs and beddings! It was gruesome, with pushes and shovings here and there! I was totally exhausted having stood on my feet for a good number of long hours, on an empty stomach and with the sun shining brightly in its  hot, scorching glory!

He made for me and said ‘So. how ’bout we go grab a bite’? ‘You look just ’bout ready to pass out and girl, are your eyes RED’! I looked around to see who it was he was referring and at this point, he……..well, just grabbed me by the arm and pleaded with the guys around to safeguard our spaces on the queue, that we’d be back in a tick!  I was much too tired to argue or tell him to go sweep his own side of the street and mind his ‘beeswax’, that I just allowed for him to drag me along, hobbling right on! That was totally outta character for me, but I just felt really lifeless and needed some saving….from myself! We laughed ’bout that episode long afterwards, after becoming quite inseparable during all of the times we spent at the orientation camp!

It was during one of those fun times I hung out with Femi Toosh, just kickin’ it at one of the hotspots, that a group of guys accosted me and relayed to me that my Platoon Commandant asked to see me immediately as a matter of urgency! Plus, I was expected to follow after them so they could take me to where he was at! They just wouldn’t let on, on the reason why I was being summoned and I wasn’t having none of that! I knew I hadn’t flouted any rules, so why was I wanted?!These guys were really persistent and at some point I expected to hear the ‘Miranda Rights’  reeled out to me! You know, that ‘You’re hereby under arrest, anything you say may be used against you in the court of law’ infamous line! Yeah, that one! Except well, the military don’t do the court of law! I was being led away to be ‘court-martialed’!

Face to face with my Commandant,  he greeted me on arrival and announced, how he’s single-handedly decided and chosen me to represent my platoon at the much awaited Miss Camp Contest slated to take place in  what……less than five hours?! Who does this?! Whatever was he thinking?! Don’t I get to have a say in the matter?! Like I don’t get to say no, not interested; amma double nay, triple pass on the offer, thanks but NO thanks?!

And that folks, was how the stage was ’bout set for the ultimate showdown, even amidst my pleas, protests and tantrums! I felt like I was being unduly targeted for a shake down and I literally had a major meltdown! The horror, like boo…… freakin’ ……hoo!

All images courtesy of http://www.flickr.com

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38 thoughts on “Of Pageants & slip-UPS! Yikes!

  1. That’s it?!
    Where is the rest of the story? Why take us on that roundabout journey only to end it abruptly?! Biko, give us the ‘load-down’ of your beauty contest story o…

    “looking on in awe, with such unmasked daze, in absolute, total delight and of course, marveling at the awesomeness of the Almighty’s wondrous works! I mean, just staring at a bevy of ‘easy on the eyes’ ‘hotties’, drop-dead gorgeous beauties all dolled and glammed up, lining and making the stage come alive in their stunning glories…..Be-deviling! Ahem, my bad; scratch that! I meant to say…..Bedazzling!” Lesbian alert! Even a guy wouldn’t be this explicit! Chai! Confess…you are into girls…or at least you were, in your teen years…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Really Gloomie?! *raised eyebrow*

      You had to reel out those entire lines, just to get me to come outta the closet?! Well, it aint flying and unless she who thinks of herself as a ‘girl’s girl’, and every bit a ‘guy’s girl’s’ a lesbian, then; I’ll pretty much take it, I’ll bite! So what do YOU gonna do ’bout it?! Smother me with a pillow?! Pray, tell! Hmf! *Yinmu*

      Patience is a virtue Doc, keep ’em fingers crossed and if you promise to play nice, then the sequel will hit these pages ASAP! LMAO!

      Thanks for swinging by and for all times, I plenty ‘ppreciate! Cheers!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. .Hello Yemms. Now that was some story there. Ain’t nothing wrong in tagging along with guys if you grew up with boys. It’s something that comes naturally. But my! what sort of commandant goes about single-handedly picking pageant contestants himself without giving them the choice to say no! Hmmm, I smell a rat. I’m almost sure somehow you had made yourself so worthy of note that you couldn’t be ignored by him…….Jewo o…lol

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahahahaha! Despicable you, Honeycomb! Chai! You crack me up soooo bad! LMAO!

      I was just as astonished as you are now, ’bout my Commandant’s insensitive nature! But then, he’s Soldier, isn’t that what they do?! Autocratic lots! *smh* LOL

      You know how one goes around and about, just minding their own business, taking care not to get in anyone else’s face and space, that was soo me! I was as quiet as a mouse! Didn’t even know I’d been noticed, spotted, and penciled down for anything! That was a very grim discovery and it just made me all the more aware that though I may think am not being seen, I actually am and that’s a very scary feeling! The thought that people DO take notice, when you think you’re faceless….just another face in a whole crowd and room full of people, voiceless, and invisible! *laughing*

      Thank you soooo much for always my mischievous darling! Simply can’t thank you enough! You do soooo rock, and I love you TONS! MWAH! LOL

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hehehehe. Nice & Explicit write up. Just imagined being in your shoes…hehe. Na to disappear from camp on the d-day ni..
    Choi.. I have disappeared for far less. A certain presentation in a class of 4 departments…

    The next/concluding part soon pls…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Holla Sheedart, sooo glad to have you swing right along! So, this is me ringing ma bells of blessings ESPECIALLY for you honeybun, being a first time commenter and a very vibrant and vivacious one at that! I’m totally humbled and bowled over by your glorious presence on these plains! Gosh! Am I sooo darned elated to see you! Can you just feel my excitement?! *rme* LOL

      Welcome babycakes, you TOO rock! Gba bee! *winks* LOL

      I was in such a state to even think ’bout just disappearing into thin air! That idea simply didn’t occur to me at all, my mind was blank and my whole system practically shut right down! Totally crippling was the news! LMAO!

      Hmm, I also see you’ve had your share of this kinda experience, perhaps you’d like to share with the class, yes?! *bunny eyes* Is it working then?! Surely you can’t say nay to ‘that’ can you now?! LOL

      Thank you ever soooo much for coming by sweets, do come by some more and it’d be a dandy idea to make a delightful little post ’bout that experience of yours! Pretty please with chocolate fudge and a cherry atop? *eyelashes* LOL

      Like

      • Choi.. OMG. I’ve always known I’ll get of your specially styled reply sooner or later as I see you in action on the Z Channel and other places… So. Damn. You are such a handful, with yh ability to infuse enthusiasm into your writing so articulately. Dts a compliment BTW. Nay??
        Anyways. Thanks for the dramatic welcome..#hehe.

        And has for the experience… I May share it 1 of this days. When I dig out myself from the hole that school has buried me in. #hmmn

        Still waiting for dt part 2 tho’..

        Liked by 2 people

      • Aw! Thanks so much for that dramatic entrance and compliment sweetness, you totally get me and am pretty much done in! You’re just every bit as boisterous and bumbling as I am and that right there’s what’s really up! Kindred Spirits!!!!!!! Yayyyyy!!!!! ROTFL

        Please do share that experience and hit me up once the post gets off of the burner and is ready to be served up for mine delight, pretty please…..again! *bunny eyes*
        Just you ensure to take your pretty lil sweet time, at your own pace and convenience; when you’re good for it, absolutely no pressure! I’ll just throw in a bear hug for…..morale? *rme* So here goes…… ready? *bearhugs* ROTFLMAO!

        Oh, the ‘ah-mazing’ Z Channel and the brain behind it….how could I ever forget?! Dr Temitope Ogundare made all of these possible, pulling me outta my shell, giving me a voice and a big break really! God bless his kindly heart and as regards that sequel, I’ll get to it as soon as I can manage, so help me gawd! LOL

        Thanks so much for looking in again, I’d thought you’d blow me off, shut me out, give me the silent treatment and not respond to me, and yep……that’s me being overly dramatic again! Old habits die hard but you understand! *laughing*

        Have you a swell weekend and here’s hoping too that you more than excel in your studies and on every side, with flying colors all around! Love you gurl, TONS! Mwah! LOL

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Beauty contests have a way of embarrasing the very beautiful. In NYSC camp, beautiful graduates showed that having a beautiful flesh has nothing to do with the inner flesh… one girl was asked to recite the 2nd stanza of the national anthem and she stumbled upon it thrice before fumbling through. Perhaps, it is tension and the crowd. But some fine faces don’t just know nothing. This fine girl with American accent of sort I met in an ATM queue and I got talking, and it came round to questions of states. I told her I was from Anambra and she exclaimed, ‘So you are a northerner. How is Boko Haram treating you guys there’s?’ I said no, Anambra is actually in the south-east, and she raised her voice, ‘Don’t deny it, isn’t Yola the capital of Anambra state?’

    I just died

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hahahahahahaha! You’ve gotta be shittin’ me right now Kingsley! Are you?! Please say you are, I beg of thee; cause my very life depends on it! Anambra and Yola?! Huh?! I fail to see the connection and you’re pretty sure she wasn’t just you know……… goofing off?! Was she?! Dang! I’d be sooo damned! ROTFLMAO!

      As regards the other lady who made a muddle of the National Anthem, I could easily plead her case and say its all nerves! She did know it, but her nerves got in the way and got the better of her too! This is me speaking from experience here, firsthand; been there, done that; the sheer horror! Eew! LMAO!

      Beauty contests really goes wayyyyy beyond just pretty faces! You’ve gotta wanna do it, you’ve gotta have some spunk, bravado, boldness, brawns, and brain……the whole package! It aint for the faint-hearted, standing in front of a large audience to be adjudged by ’em……that’s a capital deal!

      Thank you sooo much for riding with me on this one Humor Merchant, you make me feel like a gazillion pounds and I feel like I can just ’bout take on the world right now, with you by my side! Thanks cupcakes, you more than rock, pieces! My word! ROTFLMAO!

      Like

    • Jeez Swag, ’tis a lie! Is that really you?! How’s it possible you’ve so dramatically metamorphosed overtime and evolved into a…….. Diva?! Damn! Whatever happened to you?! Whoever did this to you?! Just you point me in their direction and they’ll have me to answer to! *Yinmu* ROTFLMAO!

      C’mon Swag, give it a rest! The rest of the story’s in the works, I think! *tongue out* You just cannot wait for me to make a complete ass outta myself can you?! *raised eyebrow* Well, I’ve got news for ya, I AINT sharing! Eat your heart out! Bwahahahahahaha!

      Hmmmm……on second thoughts, I shall; but not cause of you, so don’t be feeling like a star! *tsking*

      Thanks for swinging by buddy and you had to register your thoughts two times in a row! Mehn! Am I missing something here?! Pray tell, or is it just me?! LMAO!

      Like

  5. By the way, how in the world would your Commandant not have noticed that pearly, gap toothed magical portal of yours…that would have been absolutely IMPOSSIBLE!!! I am surprised you were surprised!! Lol!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah, sure! And why aren’t I surprised you’d bring up ’em ‘pearlies’, huh?! It wouldn’t have been you, if you hadn’t! You dimply and gap-toothed lover and freak you! LMAO!

      Plus, were you my Commandant, I wouldn’t put it past you to act in like manner, except well, in your own case, every contestant okayed by you would be gap-toothed, as well as having dimples init?! *smh* LMAO!

      Oh Swag, thou flatterest me to no end, and leave me just gliding and floating in and through space! You DO rock Flow Merchant, and you’ve gat madt flows! However do I top those?! What dilemma! *Yinmu* LOL

      Like

      • Aw! And that was how I died! Flat-lined! You’re a meanie, you know that doncha, Swag?! So this was your grand plan all along?! I hate to break it to you but you just succeeded in killing me for real! Happy now?! *raised eyebrow even whilst passed out* LMAO!

        Like

  6. Madam bia, how could you do this? Pause at a place like that? The last person that tried this with me was flogged with soaked koboko like she stole the village gong. You’ll be spared such fate cuz you’re someone’s fairy god-tibi-tibi :).

    It’s always a disappointment when a sizzling hawtt vixen is cold like “lolly” in the thinking center (makes me wonder if we just pick brains randomly after being created, hence the mismatch)…but what can one do when she’s just “hot like that”? (I think I’m too mean, pardonnez moi).

    Regimented camp or not, a pretty ma’am will be noted when seen. Commandant sure wasn’t blind, trusting the sequel on this.

    Great job!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hmm…..lets see…….*pondering* I friggin’ DARED to pause at a place like that cause I sure as heck……..CAN?! Who wants to know?! *raised eyebrow* ROTFLMAO!

      ‘Koboko’, village gong and ‘Fairy god-tibi-tibi’?! Hian! Juju Josef, you’re an entire case file, I hope you know that abi?! *smh* What do you even talking ’bout sef?! Thou speakest in parables! Pray enlighten me biko, I don’t quite follow! Speak my lingo and level with me here, can you manage that then, if it isn’t too much trouble?! *Yinmu* LMAO!

      With Pageants, sometimes things are not what they seem! Some contestants just develop stage fright with a room packed full of people, bearing down hard on them! And amidst all the euphoria and sometimes, catcalls; some contestants just lose themselves, begin to have jitters and practically just develop cold feet! Their minds take flight and they become like Zombies, numb, unmoving, unable to rationalize and they just stare into space, seeing nothing, having been translated and transported into…… Limbo! Horrific! LMAO!

      I also see that my insensitive Commandant has gotten himself a few supporters and a mini fan club here! Are you for real though Senor Joe?! You?! How?! Why?! You just broke me heart, however shall I recover from this?! *tsking*

      Sequel comes, and I’ll try my hardest to make it available for your laughing delight as soon as I can! So glad you took out time from your busy schedule to look in, am deeply grateful dear! God bless and keep ya and rock on you must, by jove! Mwah! LOL

      Like

    • Heheheh! Now, that’s a question for the gods or perhaps we oughta just ask Senor Joe, since he’s the brain behind this infamous village gong in the first place! *rme* LMAO!

      Its always a great delight whenever you appear Phantom, am so happy to see ya, that it actually DOES feel like a lifetime! LOL

      Thanks a bunch for accepting my invite to hop upon the bandwagon and for coming by! You rock in ‘absolutement’! *laughing*

      Like

  7. LOL. Someone wants to put me in unadulterated trouble o.

    I wouldn’t wanna wrap my mind around the reason someone would steal—I mean, relocate—the village gong (seriously, dunno what led me to using that line…just thought about it now and I’m laughing loud all alone). Maybe she wanted to replace it with a wireless public address system.

    Let me take my speedy exit before it’s too late. Er…erm Yemie, good evening ehn. *whistles* *picks race*

    Liked by 1 person

    • Joe!!!! A very good morning to you and plenty thanks for ‘every every’! *winks* LOL

      When I read through your thoughts oft times, I just simply wonder and think to myself….’Huh’?! Abi, ti village gong tije bayi?! Mura sii o, keep on with that laughter, it comes highly recommended, very good for the liver! Abowaba l’oro e, you silly you! *smh* LMAO!

      Like

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