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He did….He didn’t…He did too….He did not….Did he?!

So, I’m pretty fascinated by the men of the cloth; not the military, though I adore those too but I refer to the separated of the Lord!  You know, vessels especially set aside by the Lord for the preaching and teaching of the Gospel of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

I used to be really putty in the hands of these lots, like I saw ’em as real special beings; who could NEVER do no wrongs! Like they’re way above anything petty! Simply put, I envisioned ’em as outta this world and pretty much larger than life! I mean, think ’bout it guys, for ’em to have been called of the Lord, then surely that must at least account for something init?! Like they must have an edge over the rest of us who do not have any such ministerial calling to serve in the office and capacity as they do so effortlessly, or so I thought!

I FINALLY did catch a big break and a one in a gazillion chance, to get up close and personal with one of these special beings, when I played host to one of ’em in my crib a little less than six years ago! I’d been introduced to him at my local assembly as being back home for a special ministerial assignment as he was originally resident in the United Kingdom!

Due to my precedence and absolute fondness of these special beings, I agreed to immediately play hostess to this man of the cloth, who was super-knowledgeable by the way in the things of God, a medical doctor by training; pretty sound and an intellect by all standards!  I was already looking forward to learning at his feet the many mysteries of the Kingdom! This guy was a total powerhouse, a great orator and firebrand, pretty versed and he knew the Word like crazy, he was a great teacher! Plus, we were around the same age, in the same age bracket and he wasn’t a ‘Jew guy’ or a Square, so-called in other quarters, not run of the mill! He was a man of the cloth alright, but he knew what time it was and was quite social! A power-dresser, he did movies and cinemas; you get the whole idea…..a real social butterfly! For him, It wasn’t always business as usual, he loosened up a lot and knew just how to have fun! Still, I was real guarded and held him at such a pedestal! I’d have it no other way, unconventional or not!

He moved into the room I’d especially furnished and prepared for him! I’d practically pulled out all the stops on that one, rolled out the drums and red carpet, totally splurged and didn’t, wouldn’t hold back in making certain that he was well tended to and catered for all through his stay! I was at his every beck and call, walking on eggshells around him, I mean; this was NO ordinary man, he’s called of the Lord! It certainly was a great honor, having him over!

All was dandy till something happened to rouse me from my reverie, bringing me forth from Limbo to Earth and bwoi was I  totally unprepared for that! Whoever said ignorance was bliss, lied NOT! That’s so spot on, like right on the money! Truer words are still yet to be concocted!

Lounging in the living room one beautiful evening, whilst watching the ‘Blues’ and  ‘Gunners’ slug it out on the football field, he was a total Chelsea fan by the way and was rooting for his team, naturally; a stench seemed to engulf and just practically take over the atmosphere, assailing and assaulting our nostrils and senses, it was BADD!

There we were, three of us seated in that space and so arose a grave difficulty in trying to figure out who the culprit was! My hubby and I do a lotta sign and bodily lingo most times between us two, especially when there’s a third party in the mix and within that second, we quickly exchanged looks that communicated to us both that we didn’t do it!, So then, that leaves our esteemed in-house guest but woe betide he or she who dares to point accusing fingers at a man of the cloth, so we just kept quiet like nothing happened, holding our breath and willing for the damn stench to pass, QUICKLY! It was suffocating, just horrible!

Plus, our guest was so engrossed in the match that he practically switched off in what looked like he was oblivious of the happenings in his surrounding and just pretending like nothing happened! Damn! Do men of the cloth do that?! Fart and then feign knowledge that they just polluted the air, without as much as owning up to having done anything and just carrying on like all’s well with the world?! No, can’t be, this is all just a misunderstanding! That foul smell musta found its way in somehow, someway…..from some place or didn’t it?! Whodunit?!

Match over, and my houseguest makes for his room without a mention of nada! My hubby and I began debating between us two what just went down! Not one to take anything too seriously, he wondered why I was fussing, ‘he’s a man like any other so what’s the biggie’, he chided! ‘To you he is, to me; not quite! He’s a man of the cloth for goodness’ sakes, why can’t you just seem to get that memo’?! I retorted and he walked away, leaving me to my devices amidst making fun of me in what he termed the ‘absolute height of ridiculosity’! What does he know anyways?! He can’t even begin to fathom, comprehend or even understand what I knew! He completely lacked the capacity to see what I did see through my specially formulated lens that was exclusively mine and mine alone! Hmf!

Then came that oh so glorious day that had been set aside by the powers that be, to save me from myself and my firmly held beliefs!  I was ‘chillin’ with my houseguest and we were brainstorming ’bout a wide variety of topics, just the two of us!  Like a lightning bolt from outta the blues, this stench hit! By the smell of things, this was a very well known stench I’d come to know and ‘accept’, but NOT on this occasion I will NOT! I wasn’t gonna just sit back and take this one lying down, nuh-uh! This, right here’s the ‘moment of truth’ and what better time for a confrontation than right this moment with just the two of us! I mean, I KNOW I didn’t do it and that leaves him right, RIGHT?! I’d REALLY like to see him wriggle free outta this one, I muttered inwardly! With all of my senses shut down, I’d recognize that smell and I geared up for the ‘Big Reveal’!

I didn’t just think to ask if he did it, I mean, I thought to myself, ‘ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies’, that was my rationale; so I simply settled for,

‘Haba, while other ministers are hard at work and getting real busy imparting meaningful stuffs into the lives of folks, here you are, filling us up to the brim; without even being asked to, with foul gas! Do you wanna kill and send us all to our early graves, do you’?!

And all of these while, I made certain to maintain a very stern look, not smiling! He simply just got up quietly from where he was seated and ran all the way up to his room, laughing so hysterically and asking who the heck I was to have summoned up that much courage to say those words to his face! He said I oughta go join a theatre group, cause I was a total crack-up! To which I laughed and brought him up to speed ’bout the number of times he’d farted and how we’d deliberately kept quiet so as not to commit a gross misconduct, especially in the event that he didn’t do it, since there were more than two people in the room at every one time! He fessed up to seeing all of our jives and how he’d retire into his room to laugh himself sore at our expense! That was real cheesy, corny even….the silliness was just befuddling!

By the end of his sojourn, we’d become quite close; family! I’d also learnt that these guys were every bit human like me! They actually did do EVERYTHING that mortals are programmed to do which includes farting and shying away from that fact, especially when they’ve been placed on a certain pedestal by sillies like……me!  Really?! Go figure!

Images courtesy of flickr.com

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28 thoughts on “He did….He didn’t…He did too….He did not….Did he?!

    • Well,yeah! Who DOES that?! He oughta just owned up but dude was as cool as a Cucumber, and am talking cool, calm and beyond collected! He gave absolutely nothing away and we’d thought that was all us, that perhaps, we’d committed a ‘mortal sin’, accusing a man of the cloth! Go figure! LMAO!

      Thanks so much Phantom, I am greatly bowled over! Thanks! LOL

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Lol. The guy no just try. But you sef, you harsh o. You appointed him unto sainthood without his asking for it😀and then he just made every effort to remind you that babe, he’s every bit a mortal too☺

    Liked by 2 people

    • LMAO@sainthood! I been think say saints dem don achieve dat kain celestial transformation, which means that, there isn’t any cold chance in Hell, that they’d be caught ‘dead’ passing off gas! *laughing*

      He was a real piece of work, that guy! Rather than to simply just excuse himself and go do his ‘bizniz’ elsewhere, he made sure to forcefully drag us into that ‘mess’…Pun ABSOLUTELY intended! *laughing*

      I can tell you authoritatively though, that after he was busted; he knew better to continue on in that line of ‘action’, cause he knew we’d know instantly who’d done it! LOL

      Thank you so much for looking in Sweetim, do have you a most rollicking weekend! Mwah! *bearhugs* LOL

      Liked by 1 person

  2. …Yemie oooo….ROTFLOL…Take care ooo not to kill peeps with the bullets of humour that you emit from this space….Beyond the wits though..This flow is incredible…you are a beautiful writer my sister..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw! Thank you so much Swag, am totally done in by thy compliments and will take extra, special care to ensure none dies a sudden death from laughter! Its not like I’ve ever heard anyone passed out and then on to the other side from just laughing, but hey; I’ll pedal carefully and since you’re a medical doctor, chances are that you may have witnessed such and attended to similar cases in the A&E! How pretty traumatizing, mortifying! *Yinmu* LMAO!

      Thanks for gracing my space Flow Merchant; you TOO rock and that’s wassup! Mwah! LOL

      Like

  3. LOL. Filling you up that way without your permission is a big criminal offence! (abi, is the process so different from that of rape?). People go to jail for that and become/continue being “men of cloth”.

    Men of cloth, uniform or pajamas, my sister it doesn’t matter! No matter how celestial, deep or divine they look appear, they still “poo” and flush just like us (perhaps deliver the “deepest” fart. Okay scratch that), react physiologically at the sight of certain feminine “morphological curves” (maybe with better continence sha), bla bla and bla.

    “Touch not—or complain not about—my anointed…”, yes; but when the anointed starts killing you softly, biko provoke, shout warrisit sef and speak up at the top of your voice! I commend your courage, “stwong woman” :).

    Nice piece.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Jojo!!!! You silly nilly, see as I dey laugh dey roll for ground! Warn thyself o, o s’aaro; howu! *smh* LWKMD!

      I learnt the hard way Joe and am now a pro! Gone forever is that naïve, starry wide-eyed innocent girl abi novice! I no be learner again sam sam, I be proper, original ‘sabi girl’! I guess I needed that…to be brought up to speed and I’ve since complied and gotten with the programme! I know fully well now, wetin dey! *laughing*

      Thank you for making my space a Pittstop Joe, its always good to see you here and you sir, are a total crack-up; by golly! I’d be sooo damned! Choi ati Mwah! *smh* LMAO!

      Like

  4. If not Yemee who would make a big deal out of fart and turn it into a story–fart story? And how dare you confront an annointed man of God. He farted, and so? don’t you know that everything he touches (or releases) na designer?! Better touch not the annointed and do his gashole no harm

    Great Weekend Thumbs

    Liked by 1 person

    • Get outta here Kingsley, what do you going on ’bout?! *rme*LMAO!

      So what….. I made a delightful lil post outta fartz, well yeah; who’s gonna apprehend me…YOU?! And WHAT army? Biko, left me o! *tongue out* ROTFLMAO!

      Of courseI know he’s anointed and all but, does that give him the FULL license to ‘impart’ and unleash toxic gaseous combinations into my own ‘ministry’?! I had to speak up at that moment or forever hold my peace, and that; was totally not up for discourse! Just so that next time, he’d be well informed that I do as a matter of fact know his ‘hands’, before he ‘deals’ it! That’s called being several steps ahead…my trump card and joker! *winks* LOL

      Thanks a bunch for coming this way Humor Merchant! Plus I sooo knew you wouldn’t think it a biggie that some guy will fart and act like he doesn’t know, when all else are pretty discomfitted by his silly act! You Silly you! Mwah! LMAO!

      Like

  5. Thank you for finally putting us into your life! Phew! So, what did it take you to do this? Ehn? Kai! If you want, go quiet again and you will see what we will do to you….

    Na wa for you o! Adventures of Yemie and the Guys! 🙂 Hee hee hee…
    You should write a memoir soon… I think that will help. It might sell plenty sef! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahahahaha! What are you threatening me now Sagely Su’eddie?! I’m sooo beyond scared shitless right now and shaking in ma bootz! Can you tell?! *raised eyebrow* Hmf! LMAO!

      Why aren’t I surprised though?! You’re not called the ‘Grand Crusader Of The Written, Published Works’ for nought and I’ll be sure to hit you up once my memoir gets off of the burner and is ready to be served up! So how ’bout it?! *Yinmu* LMAO!

      Thanks for popping in Sire, you honor me and I remain humbled for always! Mwah! LOL

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Nice read.
    But really this kinda make me understand why people with eat grass and all sorta stuffs d men in robe tell em to do…
    Glad you confronted him and broke that thought about the men in robes.
    Most ‘churchgoers’ are being enslave for thoughts like so.
    (Dont know if i make sense though, i always don’t have words to express what i am thinking😒 bear with me)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hehehe! You do make a lotta sense dear. Some folks are really charismatic and are just born naturals especially as it applies to persuading others to do their biddings and am talking ’bout guys with great oratorical skills!
      I was shocked when I learnt ’bout that particular episode of humans ‘grazing’ on herbs like Herbivores, cause they were instructed to do so like really? The horror!😨

      Thanks for looking in sweets. Have you a fantastic week ahead. 💟

      Like

  7. Ah, Yemi,you were indeed foolish. Did it not occur to you that the man was simply doing his best by you as a preacher staying under your roof? He was giving you an earthly example of how mighty can God’s works be–even those that are not visible. At the same time, his quick exits illustrate that he was aware of the cumulative effects of the fumes. Had you not confronted him, he knew these would destine you for a swift demise–but one which would occur while you were praying daily with a preacher–surely a sad demise followed by a happy rise.

    What a kind, kind man he was!

    (Yemi, on a separate note: The use of the phrase “Jew guy”, in our country, would be seen as the equivalent of racist. It threw me off when I read it. Can you explain the meaning?)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hehehehehe! Hmm…. yeah Phoenix, its soo like you to decipher on what scale my foolishness and cluelessness really was, thanks for nothing!😡

      And on just how ‘kind’ and overly’magnanimous’ he was, we’re so on the same page as regards that bit and that’s me being seriously sarcastic can you tell? 😈

      I’d most definitely NOT resort to making use of the term ‘Jew’, were I resident at your end,but over
      here, its really no biggie cause for starters, its perceived as a joke and we deal more with tribal differences and sentiments than racial as obtains over thero you see Babe, No harm done! 😇

      Thank you so much for being such a great sport munchkins, I’d been really preoccupied all day but I’ll get to responding to everyone as soon as I can manage it and that also includes popping in on your site to ‘bust’ you on that naughty, naughty lie you told on me! You won’t be getting off so easy so get to filing your nails cause I come off totally unhinged! This means WAR, brace up! 💘😙👭✌

      Like

  8. I’m back. I thought about your answer regarding your story’s use of the phrase “Jew guy”. I don’t know what type of person that connotes to you, or to all Nigerians (non-Jewish ones), but it is clear from the context in the story that a “Jew guy” is not something positive. Not a person to want to be.

    I know you explained that, in Nigeria, it’s not an insult, because insults there are less about race and more about tribes. But Yemi, this is my argument:

    In Scandinavia, there are relatively few black people. Let us imagine that insults there are less about race and more about country of origin: “Dumb Finn”, “Snobby Swede”, “Stand-offish Icelander”–or what have you. And let us say that you are reading a Scandinavian’s blog post when you come across this line in it:
    “At least his minister wasn’t a Swede, or one of those black people!”

    Would you feel that this insulted black people? Black people everywhere? Even your friends, far away in Nigeria? I would. And that’s how I feel about your story’s use of “Jew guy”, when it”s used as a general term of ridicule or disdain. It’s your story, and you get to write it as you wish–and you know I enjoyed the heck out of the story–
    🙂

    but with that phrase in it, the story carries the taint of racism–or, rather, religionism, since anyone of any skin tone and ethnic and national heritage can be a Jew.
    😦

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Only Yemie can do this….
    See how you go on air to disgrace a man of God! God is watching you in 3D! Hehehehe
    Didn’t you know he was baptizing you ni? He was releasing anointing (holding laughter) ….
    I no envy you at all..and that showdown? Epic! It should be preserved for generations to come!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Mischief maker! Disgrace bawo? Hian! 😆

      I was tired of being imparted with foul gas, I’d just ’bout had enough of the ‘baptism of foul gaseous exchange’, whatever will you have had me do?! Suck it up and in some more; literally, till I ceased to exist?! C’mon! I had to step up to the plate, and do what I had to…..desperate situations calls for desperate, pretty stiff measures; don’t you agree?! 😈😉

      Thank you sooo much for coming on over Doc; you were greatly missed, it hurt soooo damn much! 😭😭😭💔

      Rock on you oughta! Deuces! 💖😎

      Like

    • You’re sooo right on the money T. Michele, I did get a good story from all of these and indeed, they are but mere mortals! But then, aren’t we all?! 😆😆😆

      Thank you soo much for swinging by more than twice in a row tonight buddy, you honor me and if I didn’t know any better; I’d probably say its a full blue moon out tonight! Perhaps I should go take a peek! 😈😆

      Lotsa ❤. 😃😁

      Liked by 1 person

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